It took me long enough but I finally feel like it's 'that thing' I'm fitting into the rest of my life and not the other way around. It's amazing how much of a drain it's been letting myself be confined to a tunnel path of how to get to wherever society/family/etc. might typically expect from here. I've been spending most of my holiday breaks feeling mentally drained and the rest of the time, at the end of those breaks, kicking myself for not having done anything. My commerce degree is boring. It's practical and at this point I'll make sure to pass it and probably do quite well in the process so I can live off it when I graduate, but it means nothing more to me than that and I generally spend those lectures listening to music and scribbling film ideas. And when I do go and whore myself out to some faceless corporation that won't change; as Dennis was saying yesterday, filmmaking (like any art) isn't some destination to get to, it's a process and there's no reason why you can't keep pursuing your passions for the rest of your life. There is no 'point of failure' where you can say you didn't get 'there' so long as you're still trying to do whatever it is you're doing. I'm doing a finance major and I'm good at it but I despise it somewhat and I can see how people end up 'successful' but unhappy later in life and I don't want to look back and wish I'd taken a chance that I've got no good reason not to take. A job like that will be a job and nothing more and to be honest I'd rather end up 'doing okay' and happy than waste my time trying to be a success in someone else's eyes. Over the next year or so I'm going to have to make the most of the frequently-taken-for-granted time I still have on my hands right now as a Uni bum and just keep trying new things all the time, no matter how far out of my reach they might be. An ambitious failure's better than just accepting the comfort of what I know is achievable and 'succeeding'; might as well buy myself a ribbon and be done with it if that's all I'm after. I like blue.
I guess it's just that these last three or four weeks have been liberating for all sorts of wildly different reasons, and so a big thank you to a few of my friends who've helped pave the way for that in a variety of strangely coinciding ways. I guess I've grown a bit in confidence which is something that really needed to happen because I've been letting shyness and self-doubt hinder me more and more for a few years now, especially in terms of getting to know people, and I just feel like I could be that much more articulate and open and don't feel the need to worry so much about what people might think all the time. While it's all something I still have to work on, and it might take a while to overcome a few of those issues, I don't think I've felt this... happy in a while. Mm. Nothing wrong with admitting that. And if there is, this was written on literally no sleep so blame that if I said too much.
Wargial
They made me type this code to prove I wasn't a 'bot' when setting up this blog. As you may have noticed I copied and pasted it into several other text fields at the time to help them feel even more comfortable.
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Bye.
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